1.\tTony is not allowed to replace the entire contents of the cafeteria with pop-tarts just because Thor has declared it the \u2018food of the gods.\u2019<\/p>\n
2.\tNatasha is not allowed to interrogate new S.H.I.E.L.D. employees and dispose of the ones she deems unworthy.<\/p>\n
3.\tClint is not allowed to continue insisting that is the final step of the interview process to terrified new hires.<\/p>\n
4.\tTony is not allowed to broadcast sing-along songs into the Hulk-cage, no matter amusing he finds teaching Hulk \u201cTeddy Bear, Teddy Bear, turn around\u201d<\/p>\n
5.\tClint is not allowed to put the security feed of the Hulk\u2019s Teddy Bear dance on Youtube.<\/p>\n
6.\tBruce is not allowed to hack into personnel files to look up blackmail material on Director Fury.<\/p>\n
7.\tTony is not allowed to insist that he\u2019s already done so and that Fury\u2019s middle name is Rainbow Sprinkles\u2026. Because it isn\u2019t. <\/p>\n
8.\tThor is not allowed to be naked at Headquarters. Ever.<\/p>\n
9.\tSteve is not allowed to address any female S.H.I.E.L.D. agents as \u2018little lady,\u2019 \u2018broad,\u2019 or \u2018dame.\u2019 It only ends in getting slapped. <\/p>\n
10.\tAgent Coulson\u2019s name isn\u2019t \u201cMom.\u201d<\/p>\n
11.\tDirector Fury should never again be addressed as \u201cDad\u201d<\/p>\n
12.\tAgent Hill is not the Avenger\u2019s wicked stepmother.<\/p>\n
13.\tClint is not allowed to lurk in the shadowy rafters spying on people, unless specifically instructed to do so for an official S.H.I.E.L.D. sanctioned mission.<\/p>\n
14.\t \u2018Operation Irritate the Fuck Out of Nick Fury\u2019 is not an official mission, no matter what Tony or Natasha say to the contrary.<\/p>\n
15.\tDebriefings should not be preceded by tequila shots.<\/p>\n
16.\tDebriefings should not be followed by tequila shots.<\/p>\n
17.\t There are to be no shots of any kind during debriefings.<\/p>\n
18.\tThor and Hulk will wait to fight until after the battle is over.<\/p>\n
19.\tTony Stark is not God\u2019s gift to women.<\/p>\n
20.\tThe Avengers do not need matching uniforms.<\/p>\n
21.\tTony and Bruce are not allowed to have a contest to see who can make a bigger \u201cboom\u201d in the lab.<\/p>\n
22.\tThor is not allowed to join in and make the biggest boom with his hammer.<\/p>\n
23.\t The Avengers will not be celebrating Steve\u2019s 94th birthday.<\/p>\n
24.\tThe laboratory is not Tony and Bruce\u2019s \u2018Super Secret Genius Clubhouse.\u2019 They are not allowed to bar entry to employees based on IQ test results.<\/p>\n
25.\t The Avengers are not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.<\/p>\n
26.\t Iron Man is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.<\/p>\n
27.\t Tony Stark is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
\n28.\tThor is not allowed to \u2018bring down the wrath of Odinson\u2019 on the person who ate the last package of pop-tarts. <\/p>\n
29.\tPants are not optional at team meetings.<\/p>\n
30.\t\u2018Pepper said it was okay\u2019 is not a good enough reason to defy a director order from command.<\/p>\n
31.\t The words \u201cWhat\u2019s the worst that could happen?\u201d are never to be uttered on a mission ever again.<\/p>\n
32.\tMC Hammer did not write Thor a theme song.<\/p>\n
33.\tGumby is not the love child of Bruce Banner and Reed Richards. <\/p>\n
34.\t Natasha and Clint are not allowed to impersonate members of the clergy ever again. Ever.<\/p>\n
35.\tBlasting \u2018Don\u2019t Worry, Be Happy\u2019 at top volume into Bruce\u2019s room on loop overnight is not an effective way to suppress the Hulk.<\/p>\n
36.\t Hawkeye is not sitting in the rafters waiting to pick off people playing Galaga on their computer during work hours.<\/p>\n
37.\tTony is not allowed to bribe Natasha and Clint to physically, emotionally or psychologically torture General Ross for being \u2018a great big douchebucket\u2019 and \u2018being mean to Brucie-kins.\u2019<\/p>\n
38.\t Steve is \u2018Captain America\u2019 not \u2018Captain New York and those 49 other, lesser states.\u2019<\/p>\n
39.\t\u2018Hulk SMASH!\u2019 is not an effective diplomatic policy.<\/p>\n
40.\tTony is not allowed to buy the Dodgers and move them back to Brooklyn to apologize for lighting Steve\u2019s hair on fire.<\/p>\n
41.\t The phrase \u2018Trust me, I\u2019m a doctor\u2019 never leads anywhere good.<\/p>\n
42.\tIt is not funny to dare Bruce to drink three quarts of green food coloring before a urine test.<\/p>\n
43.\tSteve is not to be introduced as \u2018Captain Tightpants\u2019 or \u2018The All-American Virgin.\u2019<\/p>\n
44.\tThe Avengers do not \u2018charge into battle, naked like the Celts.\u2019 Except for The Hulk. Sometimes.<\/p>\n
45.\tNatasha\u2019s glare is not in fact fatal. Tony is not allowed to continue implying that it is. <\/p>\n
46.\tTony is not allowed to convince Bruce to help him make death ray goggles so that it will be.<\/p>\n
47.\t The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow the American government, just because they didn\u2019t like the results from the last election.<\/p>\n
48.\tThe Avengers are not allowed to overthrow any government, without checking in with S.H.I.E.L.D. first.<\/p>\n
49.\tClint is not allowed to sell Thor any \u2018magic beans.\u2019<\/p>\n
50.\tNatasha and Clint are not allowed to try to sell Tony to another planet, even if they are promised really cool new weapons in exchange.<\/p>\n
51.\tTony and Bruce are not allowed to go to any science conferences without a chaperone.<\/p>\n
52.\tA robot Tony built does not count as a chaperone.<\/p>\n
53.\tNikola Tesla is not a vampire being held in the bowels of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters. <\/p>\n
54.\tTony and Bruce are not allowed to go searching for him in the name of Science! <\/p>\n
55.\tClint\u2019s super-power is not \u2018being super-annoying.\u2019<\/p>\n
56.\tThe following words and phrases are never to be uttered over communication devices during an active mission ever again: \u201cExploring sexuality,\u201d \u201cNecrophilia,\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s getting hot in herr, so take off all your clothes,\u201d \u201cI hate everyone on this mission and I wish they\u2019d die in a fire,\u201d \u201cNick Fury can go suck on a big bag of sausages,\u201d references to Bruce\u2019s giant stash of weed, mention of anyone\u2019s erection, or \u201cShawarma.\u201d<\/p>\n
57.\t If it makes Tony giggle for more than 30 seconds, it isn\u2019t allowed.<\/p>\n
58.\tIf it makes Natasha crack a smile, it\u2019s probably illegal.<\/p>\n
59.\tThor taking Jane to see Asgard does not count as an alien abduction. Clint should stop referring to it as such.<\/p>\n
60.\tJust because Bruce agreed to work in Tony\u2019s lab, does not mean he needs to get a \u201cProperty of Stark Industries\u201d tattoo.<\/p>\n
61.\tTony is not allowed to design a robot to draw said tattoo on Bruce when he falls asleep in the lab.<\/p>\n
62.\tPost-mission reports to Director Fury should not start out \u2018So let me explain\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
1. Tony is not allowed to replace the entire contents of the cafeteria with pop-tarts just because Thor has declared it the \u2018food of the gods.\u2019 2. Natasha is not allowed to interrogate new S.H.I.E.L.D. employees and dispose of the ones she deems unworthy. 3. Clint is not allowed to continue insisting that is the … Continue reading 62 Things the Avengers are Not Allowed to Do.<\/span>