I’m just. I don’t even know how to respond. My mind just keeps spinning the same things around. The same things I keep saying over and over. I’m not strong. I’m not worth it. Why would anyone care? I just don’t even. No one IRL shows the slightest amount of concern about it, so I guess I just have a difficult time believing anyone on the internet would care, either.
If I tell you what I want to hear, how can I expect what follows to be genuine?
I’m not trying to be mean, that’s just what I think. Honestly, when people say things like, “I’m not sure what to say to make you feel better” my reaction is, “Good. At least I know you’re being sincere.”
I just…I don’t know if I can make myself believe it.
Belief starts out so small, for us. A tiny, tiny spark set against the darkness that’s closing in, crushing. I know that one. In the night, alone, listening to the whirring in my head, to the thoughts I can’t stop thinking … I know it. How do you convince yourself someone cares when you’re all alone?
The answer is, you don’t. Not convince. You take the letter out, the gift from someone, you reread over and over the words people send you when you do manage to cry out. You hold on to that. So you, right now, you print these words of mine out, you copy them on to paper, you do what you have to do, and put them under your pillow, or with your razors, or wherever you think you need to be reminded.
Every day, every hour, every minute if you have to. I know that path. I do. Some days even one step at a time seems too hard.
Whatever it is you want to do right now, stop hurting stop cutting, whatever it is, you can. Even if that something is just keep breathing for one more minute. You can.