It took her a moment to realise how he’d heard what she said. “Oh — I, um … no, I won’t get mad. I might … other things, but I won’t get mad.” She held very still, as if he was a wild animal that might flee at sudden motion.
“…Other things?” He stated helplessly, clearly…
She didn’t try to clarify, just concentrated on keeping her heart from beating out of her chest with his nerves. She hoped she didn’t go into him; that would be awkward and hard to explain. One day, she vowed in the back of her mind, she would learn to control that too. She closed her fingers over his and squeezed gently. “That helps.”
“I think it’s because I know you don’t do touch,” she said musingly. “It’s a bit … it makes me want more. Like how Victorians considered seeing an ankle erotic.” She took a deep breath and made herself relax. “I’m not angry.”
“I trust you enough to do this,” he stated simply as if it were obvious, before his eyes widened in surprise at her unexpected comment. “Really? I…I could try holding your hand but I don’t know…you won’t get mad if I freak out a little bit, will you?”
It took her a moment to realise how he’d heard what she said. “Oh — I, um … no, I won’t get mad. I might … other things, but I won’t get mad.” She held very still, as if he was a wild animal that might flee at sudden motion.
Summer looked mutinous, but she couldn’t actually come up with a reason to argue with him that didn’t just sound stupid. Gracelessly, she gave in. “I warned you.” She looked at their fingertips, just barely touching, and sighed. “Are you trying to make me feel better with that?” The smile was shy and tremulous, and she turned her hand so his fingertips rested in her palm. “I’m not sure it’s having the kind of effect you wanted.”
Flinching at the rage burning in her eyes, Isaac chanted to himself, attempting to convince his nerves that she was safe and was only being defensive of herself and thus was unlikely to hurt him. But experience had taught him otherwise and he couldn’t help but be wary of her ever increasing anger. “Mostly – it helps calm me down too,” he stated with a shrug, curling his pinky finger around hers, relieved that she wasn’t pushing him away just yet. “What effect is it having?”
“I think it’s because I know you don’t do touch,” she said musingly. “It’s a bit … it makes me want more. Like how Victorians considered seeing an ankle erotic.” She took a deep breath and made herself relax. “I’m not angry.”
“No!” The word shot out of her before she could stop it. “Don’t leave,” she said more calmly. “I’m — I’m not trying to — well, I am, but — I’m just not the good person you think I am, Isaac.” She twisted her fingers together. “Sorry. This isn’t why I — I didn’t mean you to see this. I’m sorry.”
He stilled and promptly stiffened, still uncomfortable when another raised their voice, even if they had shown absolutely no previous intention to ever harm him. Turning slightly to face her, Isaac’s expression softened and he sighed, reaching out to brush his fingertips against hers. “Why don’t you let me be the judge of that, huh?”
Summer looked mutinous, but she couldn’t actually come up with a reason to argue with him that didn’t just sound stupid. Gracelessly, she gave in. “I warned you.” She looked at their fingertips, just barely touching, and sighed. “Are you trying to make me feel better with that?” The smile was shy and tremulous, and she turned her hand so his fingertips rested in her palm. “I’m not sure it’s having the kind of effect you wanted.”
“It makes you uninformed. And, and, and blinded. You’ll overlook things that are bad because you’re biased.” Summer wanted to take his hand, but she wouldn’t let herself. She didn’t deserve it. Him. As a friend. As anything. He would get hurt, because of her; she would hurt him. Underneath that surety was a little voice of reason, but it was drowned out by the self-hatred.
“I get the feeling you’re trying to push me away here, Summer, and I thought that I was supposed to be the paranoid and insecure one?” Isaac stated softly, cocking his head to the side as his fingers itched to curl around hers. He couldn’t explain where the urge came from, and whether or not she would welcome it, so he retracted his hand and slumped slightly. “Do you want me to go?”
“No!” The word shot out of her before she could stop it. “Don’t leave,” she said more calmly. “I’m — I’m not trying to — well, I am, but — I’m just not the good person you think I am, Isaac.” She twisted her fingers together. “Sorry. This isn’t why I — I didn’t mean you to see this. I’m sorry.”
Her heart jumped when he touched her — partly because she couldn’t see and therefore didn’t know he was going to do it, and partly because, well, it was him, touching her, on purpose. She sighed and dropped her arm, looking up at him. “You’re biased,” she told him, and made herself look away.
“So? Does that make me wrong?” He arched an eyebrow then and smiled over at her, refusing to move his fingers just yet, and hoping that it wasn’t making her too uncomfortable. “Are you okay?”
“It makes you uninformed. And, and, and blinded. You’ll overlook things that are bad because you’re biased.” Summer wanted to take his hand, but she wouldn’t let herself. She didn’t deserve it. Him. As a friend. As anything. He would get hurt, because of her; she would hurt him. Underneath that surety was a little voice of reason, but it was drowned out by the self-hatred.
“It doesn’t matt— just forget it. Okay? It’s not important.” She put an arm over her face, frowning and frustrated. “I’m stupid and useless and overreacting and it doesn’t matter.”
“No, you’re not.” He reached out and slowly splayed his fingers out over her wrists, trembling only a little bit this time. “Please don’t hide away, Summer? I think you’re awesome.”
Her heart jumped when he touched her — partly because she couldn’t see and therefore didn’t know he was going to do it, and partly because, well, it was him, touching her, on purpose. She sighed and dropped her arm, looking up at him. “You’re biased,” she told him, and made herself look away.
“Rawr.” Summer faked a growl at Isaac. “It’s just a thing that happens over and over. Like somehow because I’m a girl, and short, and fuck else knows why everyone needs to just jump in and fix things for me. It makes me feel useless.” She slumped back in her chair, kicking her feet. “Sorry. It’s a sore spot.”
“I was offering my help because you were my friend, not because of any of those reasons, Summer. I don’t see why if you’re a girl or short that makes you weak?” He frowned helplessly and then nodded and ducked his head. “Believe me when I say I understand, okay?”
“It doesn’t matt— just forget it. Okay? It’s not important.” She put an arm over her face, frowning and frustrated. “I’m stupid and useless and overreacting and it doesn’t matter.”
“Seriously! When I want help I will ask for it! How am I supposed to learn how to do things if someone is constantly taking them out of my hands to help by doing it for me?”
“I…alright, keep your hair on.” He murmured and cast her a wide-eyed glance, automatically taking a step back from her. Somehow, he’d offended her and even replaying the words he’d uttered moments before didn’t cast any light on why she was acting this way. “I’m sorry?”
“Rawr.” Summer faked a growl at Isaac. “It’s just a thing that happens over and over. Like somehow because I’m a girl, and short, and fuck else knows why everyone needs to just jump in and fix things for me. It makes me feel useless.” She slumped back in her chair, kicking her feet. “Sorry. It’s a sore spot.”
“I am not either prickly!” she exclaimed, affecting offense. “I am a tough, smart, independent woman who don’t need no help.” Then she crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue.
“Even from a friend? And no, I don’t doubt that – you’re a pretty awesome person, Summer.” Isaac grinned and returned the childish gesture without any hesitation whatsoever.
“Seriously! When I want help I will ask for it! How am I supposed to learn how to do things if someone is constantly taking them out of my hands to help by doing it for me?”