while you’re all having your fun, only answering the rps you have muse for and escaping the world
I’m just going to be over here, wishing I was allowed to do the same thing, except that I’m never the one anyone has muse for or time for; I’m not allowed to escape
because, in case you’ve forgotten, this kind of escape takes two.
I give up.
oh, hey, crippling lack of self confidence, I haven’t missed you
(ps. if you want me to feel better, don’t come over here and pet me, just help me do the one thing I can do well: write)
i speak
and my voice falls away
it’s not silence
but unhearing, unheard
is speaking worth anything
with no response?
giving up this voice
impossible
but it’s an unwanted voice all the same
I don’t even know why I’m sitting here hitting refresh, like somehow suddenly I’m going to be an important person to these kids that are important to me.
I’m not the one who gets the alerts send round when she’s feeling low, I don’t get the messages of love. I can count on one hand the people who will care.
I’m the one who sends the messages, even to people I don’t know. I’m the one with the listening ear, who cares regardless and spills out everything she knows to help someone else.
just once it would be nice to be the one everyone is worried about. just once it would be nice to be the center of attention and not because people hate me. more than two people, more than three people wanting me around, looking for me, eager for me to be online,
I woke up an hour ago and already it’s a crap day.
how the fuck you guys don’t all hate me I don’t know. you should. I;m an annoying pestiferous opinionated bitch who is entirely too obsessive. I keep track of waaaaay too many of y’all’s schedules and do the time conversions in my head to know when people are going to be around so I can bother them and force them to pay attention to me.
yeah I;m just going to go over here now and pull this hole in after me don’t mind me
I’m not actually sure I can do this any more.
I thought I might come back tonight, but I log in and the first thing I see is someone accusing me to someone else of driving them away from their Tony blog and I have no idea what they are talking about. I don’t have any idea, nobody ever came to me and —
I don’t get it. If you’re going to hate me, can you please hate me to my face instead of going around behind my back and libelling me?
Can you just
Why the fuck do I even try? Nobody wants me here, nobody wants me at all, I’m just a marysue with a tony stark fixation.
All the times I ask people to be honest to me, and it takes a year for me to learn this. How useless and stupid and unliked and unwanted and unneeded I am, how many people I’ve driven away, how much I suck as a writer and a roleplayer and characterisation and as a friend.
Clearly I’m just a total blight on the face of, of, of I don’t even know.
Just at least be hateful to my fucking face already.
That — should not have hurt as much as it does.
Having one of those days where I watch all the people I follow, and their huge follower counts, and their many threads
and I just go, “Is this even worth it anymore? Mine is the thread that always disappears, and while I’m a brilliant writer nobody cares about that because my muse is a female OC and those are always Mary Sues.”
I think I might just quit. Nobody’s gonna care, anyway, if I do.
I’m going to lose you, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Gods forbid anyone should even /want/ to marry Summer.