Tag Archives: tw: depression

sirpercivalofcamelot:

iamthefirechild:

She let him lead her down from the tower; let him help her gather up her few things: some books, some dresses, her small physician’s gear. Her voice shook still when she asked, “What will the King think? I can’t just — ” She faltered to a stop, staring down at the cloak in her hands, and the tears rose up again, closing her throat. I don’t belong here. This isn’t — my family — no one cares. No one will care. She sat down, hands fisting around the fabric, despair rising up again.

“Arthur? He’ll understand.” He tried to draw a laugh. “Merlin will make him, no? But if you’re uncomfortable with it we won’t.” He lowered his eyebrows in sincerity and concern. “Just know the option is open to you, along with any other support you feel would help.” He saw her tears begin to fall, so put an arm around her shoulder and buried his face in the crook of her neck as they walked. “Please, just, tell me what you need. I’ll get it for you.”

“I’m not,” she sighed, “uncomfortable. With moving. Only — I won’t be welcome. I won’t. I can’t — how do I even say this? I’ve no part in the Court, Percival, you know that. I’m not one of the Queen’s ladies, I’m not use to the King, I’m — I can’t be a knight — I’m nothing but a foreign noble’s daughter, floating about the edges of Camelot.” She crumpled the cloak harder, embroidery digging into her hands.

“Percival, you can’t — there’s nothing. I’m broken, I was born broken. Unwanted, unlovable, undesirable. Unneeded.”

sirpercivalofcamelot:

iamthefirechild:

Blindly, drowning in his loyalty and caring, Summer held on to Percival. She didn’t have either the heart or the energy to say no, to tell him that she couldn’t quite believe him. He believed, so strongly, all she could do was nod, helplessly. “It’s not your fault,” she managed to say. And, “If you think it will help.”

But the drop behind her still beckoned.

Percival slowly began to get up, taking Summer’s hand. “Come on, we’ll have your things moved right now. You’ll have the guest knight’s room, right between Mordred’s and mine, we’ll find another one of those elsewhere.” He didn’t think pointing out all the things he’d done wrong would help, so ignored her first statement. “Everyone will be glad to be closer to you. I’ll carry your favorite things myself, is that alright?” He knew this problem wasn’t going to vanish with a few kindnesses. Percival would quietly inform Mordred and the other most trustworthy close friends of Summer of the requirement for continued support. There was certainly more he didn’t know yet, but he reassured himself that it would come in time. And whatever it was, it would not rob him of his friendship and loyalty. “Watch your step, this tower’s always been a bit rickety.” Releasing her hand, he rubbed the tears from his own eyes before holding her face and wiping her’s away gently with his thumbs.

She let him lead her down from the tower; let him help her gather up her few things: some books, some dresses, her small physician’s gear. Her voice shook still when she asked, “What will the King think? I can’t just — ” She faltered to a stop, staring down at the cloak in her hands, and the tears rose up again, closing her throat. I don’t belong here. This isn’t — my family — no one cares. No one will care. She sat down, hands fisting around the fabric, despair rising up again.

sirpercivalofcamelot:

iamthefirechild:

“You shouldn’t, you shouldn’t,” she couldn’t stop repeating, through her own sobs. He held her tighter, but she didn’t want to protest; the feeling of being safe was far too welcome. She wished with all her heart she could believe that this would last beyond his fright at her desperate idea, but past experience told her differently. Once he was past the immediate fear, things would go back to the way they always were, and she would be alone again.

Still.

She clung to him, to that strong body wrapped around her own, and cried until her nose was red and her throat was raw. “Why?” she managed to ask, somewhere in there.

“Because you are my dear, dear friend. You will always be.” His eyes were shut tight. “You are good. You are loved. We’re going to move you to my side of the castle, okay? You can get a room right by all the rooms of your friends. I have been so afraid, so afraid of my own guilt at not being there, afraid of what I hadn’t done, afraid of how you might feel, and I was selfish, selfish, I’m so sorry, my friend. You are good, beautiful, my friend.”

Blindly, drowning in his loyalty and caring, Summer held on to Percival. She didn’t have either the heart or the energy to say no, to tell him that she couldn’t quite believe him. He believed, so strongly, all she could do was nod, helplessly. “It’s not your fault,” she managed to say. And, “If you think it will help.”

But the drop behind her still beckoned.

sirpercivalofcamelot:

iamthefirechild:

She couldn’t stop herself curling into his arms. It felt so safe there, just as if nothing could hurt her again, despite knowing how false that was. She sniffled, gracelessly, and didn’t say anything for a moment. It did help. A little. The desperate, tearing despair that had driven her up to the tower was gone, anyway, slashed through the way sunlight slashes through stormclouds.

“You don’t understand, Percival,” she whispered back, but it didn’t have the force of earlier protests. “You don’t know what I am. The things I am … you shouldn’t care so much. I’ll hurt you, I won’t even mean to, I’ll just want too much and hurt you.”

Percival half shook his head, half nuzzled closer. “Nothing would’ve hurt me more then you going through with that. I’m not a fool, Summer. I can imagine lots of possibilities.” It felt so absurd, so out of place, but he felt himself giggle between tears. “I’m very big, and very strong.” He sighed. “You can tell me what you’re so afraid to tell me whenever you’re good and ready, dammit. You should know that I’m ready, though.” He breathed her in and out, trying to calm himself, but couldn’t keep from imagining what might’ve happened had he not come when he had, and sobs wracked his body. He pulled her closer to him and further from the ledge. I’m going to hold you for as long as I can…

“You shouldn’t, you shouldn’t,” she couldn’t stop repeating, through her own sobs. He held her tighter, but she didn’t want to protest; the feeling of being safe was far too welcome. She wished with all her heart she could believe that this would last beyond his fright at her desperate idea, but past experience told her differently. Once he was past the immediate fear, things would go back to the way they always were, and she would be alone again.

Still.

She clung to him, to that strong body wrapped around her own, and cried until her nose was red and her throat was raw. “Why?” she managed to ask, somewhere in there.

sirpercivalofcamelot:

iamthefirechild:

She wanted to argue with him, but he believed so strongly in what he was saying it was hard to. And he didn’t know enough, he didn’t know she had magic. It would be hard to argue with him without revealing that. Nevertheless, she wrapped her arms around her shoulders, shaking her head. Soft wisps of loose hair flew around her face. “I am a liar. There are things you don’t know, things you can’t know. I don’t deserve it, Percival, I don’t.”

He moved to put his arms around her gently, resting his head on her shoulder. He almost whispered, “You are my dear friend, you are my dear, dear friend. There is nothing you could say or do to make me stop loving you, there is nothing you could say or do, nothing anyone could say or do that could make me stop caring about you, there is nothing that could ever happen to make me be okay with you feeling like this…” As he spoke he felt his own tears spill over, and his own arms begin to tighten around her, carefully and slowly. “There isn’t anything in the entire world, Summer. There isn’t anything. I’m so sorry.” He just wanted to fix things, there wasn’t anything that could keep him from wanting to make it better.

She couldn’t stop herself curling into his arms. It felt so safe there, just as if nothing could hurt her again, despite knowing how false that was. She sniffled, gracelessly, and didn’t say anything for a moment. It did help. A little. The desperate, tearing despair that had driven her up to the tower was gone, anyway, slashed through the way sunlight slashes through stormclouds.

“You don’t understand, Percival,” she whispered back, but it didn’t have the force of earlier protests. “You don’t know what I am. The things I am … you shouldn’t care so much. I’ll hurt you, I won’t even mean to, I’ll just want too much and hurt you.”

In a fit of passionate despair, Summer swept everything off her altar with one arm. The carpeted floor was too soft to make the crash she wanted, and the candles went out before anything could catch fire.

Unsatisfying. She threw her head back and screamed, then kicked the table. It tipped over, but that was all.

Hot tears burned down her face, blinding her. “Useless. Worthless,” she panted, fists clenched painfully tight. “Not even the god you thought you followed gives a damn about your pitiful life. You should just die. Rip your own heart out and offer it to him, maybe that will be good enough.”

She dropped to her knees, bracing herself on her elbows over the ritual implements tumbled in a heap. Five gemstone cat carvings glittered up at her. “I’m nothing,” she whispered to them. “Everything about me offends him.”

One hand curled around the knife, shaking. She couldn’t see. Couldn’t breathe. Everything was wrong. As if the world was sideways to her, and she couldn’t touch it. Or be touched by it. She lifted the blade, and a flicker of sanity wondered if she even had the strength to drive it into her own skin.

liefullyloki:

ladyloki-countessofmischief:

((I would love some other Roleplays.with other people but me writing starters sometimes is like trying to pull teeth D: Not to mention I’m ridiculously shy and terrified to ask if they even want to start anything ;A;))

((OOC:

))

Fuck this shit. I’m not too shy. I’ll reach out to any and everybody … and then watch in silence as all the other threads are replied to except mine.

I post reminders. I send reminders to fanmails and askboxes. I wait patiently. I send reminders via skype.

 … and then watch in silence as all the other threads are replied to except mine.

I’m really about three days from packing all this up. Not that anybody is going to have anything to say to /that/, either.

Excuse me while I go off and find those knives I hid earlier. I may need to do some cutting here.

OOC:

liefullyloki:

I just… I have to say this.

For everyone who has been dealing with two or more week of depression, people who have suicidal thoughts, people who self-harm, people who have eating disorders, just if you have any kind of pain or problem you struggle with constantly (even migraines, okay?), please read this… 

For all of you who suffer and hurt in some way or form, I highly recommend you seek professional help if you have not already. Please do not read this in a ‘I’m frowning at you’ kind of way. I care about you all in my own weird way and I want to see you happy. So when I tell you to seek professional help, it is because that is what I did for my own problems and my only regret is not doing it sooner. 

It makes me sad to see so many of you lovelies in the community that accepted me and my characters with wide open arms so warmly are suffering. You are all so great, you’re all wonderful, beautiful creatures, and I think none of you deserve sadness in your lives. But I am not telling you to speak to a doctor because of how it makes me feel, I am telling you to do it for yourself. 

You should not have to suffer, all right?

Now I will tell you about myself, and I am posting this on Liefully’s blog where over a thousand eyes can read it. (Oh my gods, why you all are here, I don’t know what I do to keep so many of you, but thank you…) I have had depression since high school at least, so that would be about probably seven or more years of depression that I just lived with it. There is the chance I had depression in middle school. But I know I had it in high school because I read about mental health as I found the topics interesting and noticed that clinical depression’s symptoms described me really well.

I never spoke to any doctors and yet I had thoughts of suicide as well. The thoughts of suicide were not constant like the depression I lived with, though. I could go a few months without thinking of some way to kill myself if ever I decided to do it. But then this year, feeling the depression and having so many thoughts of suicide got to where I really wanted it all to end. I wanted to stop feeling sad but suicide is not the answer. 

So I spoke to a doctor about it. I admit, it was really difficult for me to tell my doctor I had depression for a long time and thoughts of suicide. I was scared of what she might do or say. I had a ton of horrible scenarios playing in my head of what would come of telling my doctor this information because I am a worst-case-scenario type of person. 

But guess what? 

A doctor is there to help you. And that is exactly what my doctor did when I told her these things. She helped me. She recommended me to a therapist to speak to and my therapist has been great with me. I was not given loads of prescription drugs. I was not sent to a mental hospital. I was not in any way shunned. The doctor’s there to help, not treat you like shit. But the doctor cannot help you if you never say anything. I guess just think about the phrase “A closed mouth never gets fed.” 

For those of you who have a hard time speaking to doctors, like you get nervous or intimidated, or you’re like me and just really forgetful (lol), I recommend writing what you want to say down on a piece of paper. That way your thoughts are clear and you’re better prepared to speak to your doctor. 

And if you’re already seeking help, my advise to you is to be as open as possible with your doctor(s). A doctor cannot help you if you never speak to them. Doctors are not mind readers, so do not expect them to be. The information you tell them is confidential, they’re not going to go find your parents, your family, your friends, whatever, and tell them what you told your doctor. My therapist has met my mom and has not told her anything we talked about. Okay? Have faith and trust in your doctors. Be as open with them as possible so they can help you. 

And lastly, feel free to come talk to me. I don’t have any “triggers” that I know of. So you can come talk to me and not worry about me start to have problems of my own from having a conversation with you. I have a Skype to talk to roleplayers. So send me a message if you want it to talk to me about something that bothers you. I would prefer it if you talked to me than hurt yourself. Okay? 

Okay. So…

I love every one of you, yes all of you. 

I think you should not have to suffer. 

So talk to a doctor if you haven’t already. 

Doctors are there to help. Shhhh, don’t be scared. <3

All the hugs to you. 

You’re all beautiful creatures, whether you think you are or not. 

OOC:

liefullyloki:

I just… I have to say this.

For everyone who has been dealing with two or more week of depression, people who have suicidal thoughts, people who self-harm, people who have eating disorders, just if you have any kind of pain or problem you struggle with constantly (even migraines, okay?), please read this… 

For all of you who suffer and hurt in some way or form, I highly recommend you seek professional help if you have not already. Please do not read this in a ‘I’m frowning at you’ kind of way. I care about you all in my own weird way and I want to see you happy. So when I tell you to seek professional help, it is because that is what I did for my own problems and my only regret is not doing it sooner. 

It makes me sad to see so many of you lovelies in the community that accepted me and my characters with wide open arms so warmly are suffering. You are all so great, you’re all wonderful, beautiful creatures, and I think none of you deserve sadness in your lives. But I am not telling you to speak to a doctor because of how it makes me feel, I am telling you to do it for yourself. 

You should not have to suffer, all right?

Now I will tell you about myself, and I am posting this on Liefully’s blog where over a thousand eyes can read it. (Oh my gods, why you all are here, I don’t know what I do to keep so many of you, but thank you…) I have had depression since high school at least, so that would be about probably seven or more years of depression that I just lived with it. There is the chance I had depression in middle school. But I know I had it in high school because I read about mental health as I found the topics interesting and noticed that clinical depression’s symptoms described me really well.

I never spoke to any doctors and yet I had thoughts of suicide as well. The thoughts of suicide were not constant like the depression I lived with, though. I could go a few months without thinking of some way to kill myself if ever I decided to do it. But then this year, feeling the depression and having so many thoughts of suicide got to where I really wanted it all to end. I wanted to stop feeling sad but suicide is not the answer. 

So I spoke to a doctor about it. I admit, it was really difficult for me to tell my doctor I had depression for a long time and thoughts of suicide. I was scared of what she might do or say. I had a ton of horrible scenarios playing in my head of what would come of telling my doctor this information because I am a worst-case-scenario type of person. 

But guess what? 

A doctor is there to help you. And that is exactly what my doctor did when I told her these things. She helped me. She recommended me to a therapist to speak to and my therapist has been great with me. I was not given loads of prescription drugs. I was not sent to a mental hospital. I was not in any way shunned. The doctor’s there to help, not treat you like shit. But the doctor cannot help you if you never say anything. I guess just think about the phrase “A closed mouth never gets fed.” 

For those of you who have a hard time speaking to doctors, like you get nervous or intimidated, or you’re like me and just really forgetful (lol), I recommend writing what you want to say down on a piece of paper. That way your thoughts are clear and you’re better prepared to speak to your doctor. 

And if you’re already seeking help, my advise to you is to be as open as possible with your doctor(s). A doctor cannot help you if you never speak to them. Doctors are not mind readers, so do not expect them to be. The information you tell them is confidential, they’re not going to go find your parents, your family, your friends, whatever, and tell them what you told your doctor. My therapist has met my mom and has not told her anything we talked about. Okay? Have faith and trust in your doctors. Be as open with them as possible so they can help you. 

And lastly, feel free to come talk to me. I don’t have any “triggers” that I know of. So you can come talk to me and not worry about me start to have problems of my own from having a conversation with you. I have a Skype to talk to roleplayers. So send me a message if you want it to talk to me about something that bothers you. I would prefer it if you talked to me than hurt yourself. Okay? 

Okay. So…

I love every one of you, yes all of you. 

I think you should not have to suffer. 

So talk to a doctor if you haven’t already. 

Doctors are there to help. Shhhh, don’t be scared. <3

All the hugs to you. 

You’re all beautiful creatures, whether you think you are or not.