Warning: unpopular opinions, extreme selfishness, probable name calling, and general overblown whining below. If you read it, and you just want to pet me and make me feel better after — don’t. That’s not what I’m after. I just need to get this out.
I’m not tired of roleplaying. I’ve been roleplaying online since I was fourteen or so. The age of about half the folk here, really.
But I’m so very tired of the way things are around here — of people reblogging bits that say “omg I’m so shy I really want to play with you but I’m scared” and “please come to me I want to rp with you”. And yet, I reach out, and reach out, and I do the memes — and there is no responsiveness. There is no reciprocation, at all. I fill up people’s inboxes, I make them feel wanted, and mine stayed empty, no matter how many memes I reblog. I can count on the fingers of one hand, and name in a heartbeat, the people who will inbox me if I post memes.
Every time, the same people. Don’t get me wrong. I /love/ these people. I am not complaining that they respond to me — I’m complaining that it’s /only/ them, and that for anyone else at all, I’m doing all the work. I’m /tired/ of that. I’m tired of this ‘shy’ bullshit.
It’s not shyness. Okay, maybe for some people it is. I know I get that immediate thought when my inbox flags — ‘here comes someone to tell me off for whatever reason’. But mostly, it’s fucking laziness. It’s laziness, and it’s people who come on here intending to rp one or two very limited things. And despite posting memes, despite all but begging for people to come to them, they aren’t actually interested in anything beyond their one or two ships, their little world that they’ve made.
I /resent/ that. I resent that as a female OC, I’m the LAST on anyone’s list, despite the pretty reblogs that bounce around about playing with OCs. I resent that male muses, particularly of certain canons or faceclaims, are madly sought out. I resent that all of my male muses can get smutplay anytime I want it, and no matter how hard I try I can’t get that for Summer. It’s fucking insulting.
I’m exhausted from reaching out and feeling, from the tone or slowness of the response, that I’m not wanted, that whomever I’m reaching to would rather pay attention to the male muses they’ve found than me. I’m tired of having to reassure people that I’m okay and I don’t mind waiting, when in fact I do mind. I do mind seeing fast replies to everyone /but/ me. I do mind being last on the list. I do mind responding to opens and seeing my response vanish under the onslaught of male canon muses; I do mind seeing a ship the other mun agreed to melt away when someone else shows up with a male muse.
Gayness is not a fetish. People are going to pop into my inbox and call me homophobic, and that is bullshit — what I am against here is this idea that every single male muse, every male period, is hungering for the d, wants buttsex, that gayness is the status quo and the norm. At /best/ it’s likely to be 50% of the male population, but if tumblr roleplay was the population in question it would be 95%. And /that’s/ insulting too.
I’m tired of seeing the posts about “oh I want angst”, “oh I rp for the plot”, “I’m not here for the smut”, “I want to do something other than ships” — almost invariably these come from the very people who display the exact opposite attitude when someone comes along who isn’t the exact muse that mun wants to play with. These are the people who produce the most smut, the most romance, who ship within two minutes of meeting a new male muse. They post things like “I want the relationship to be realistic, they should fight” and then only write sticky-sweet, true-love purple prose crap.
Or they reblog things like “I want to have unrequited crush, there are ships other than love” and the moment I turn up in their inbox and try to flirt with their muse, no matter how many cautions I post, I’m shoved away because I’m forcing a ship on them.
How dare I try to make friends, how dare I try to do something realistic, how dare I — well, basically anything. How dare I exist. It doesn’t matter the fandom — every one of them is like this.
I’m not dropping threads. But I’m so very tired of feeling like the only adult in the room, and then having people accuse me of being childish and whatever when I have something like this to say. I’m tired of my wanting a little attention, to be equal to other partners, being perceived as shipbashing, as being pushy, as whatever.
It’s not wrong for me to want to be the one who gets tagged when a partner I thought I had a ship with posts a romantic or shippy thing. It’s not wrong for me to want my inbox to be filled sometimes; it’s not wrong for me to want to be the one sometimes who has to scramble to keep up a little bit because their partner is so excited.
I’m always the excited one. Always the one reaching out. Always the one who replies too quickly, whose muse is ready to go. Always the one with all the plot ideas.
It’s somebody else’s fucking turn. Stop bullshitting me (and everyone else) with this crap about the things you want, and go out and get them. Stop waiting around for people to just offer it to you.