Tag Archives: candle in the dark

The candle goes out
The world’s a little bit darker
What difference does it make to you
You’re looking through me
Where did I go
You’ll never know
We are stardust when the shadow takes us
I’m never doing this again
Never reaching out again
So tired of waiting with no goodbyes
Tired of silence
Tired of lies

Still no job. Still not pretty. Still not liked. Still not wanted. Emily project, epsilon, where are you when I’m falling? Can barely see to type, hiding my tears in the bath; at thirty-two I should be over this, right? Take your meds little girl, perk up and smile little girl, no one will ever love you again little girl, it’s how the world is little girl.

How long before I stop pretending people like me, would notice if I was gone? It’s not a joke, guys; I’m falling and screaming; this is as loud as I can be. I want your help, but who lets the clingy nightmare in the ohana? No one’s left behind, but falling in step isn’t belonging.

Never is, never could be. I’m too old, I’m too shy, my life looks too perfect from the outside. Chin up stupid, keep lying and one day you’ll be a real boy.

Real dead.

Muses, muns, asks, and roleplay

I’m not entirely sure how to start this post, except to kinda plunge in the middle and tell what happened. I’m doing this at least partly so /I/ have a record of my perspective. What anybody else chooses to do about it is their own lookout.

Some nights I get bored, and I go round to other roleplayers’ askboxes and leave weird or strange or provocative little messages in character just to see what happens. One night it was “*peers* I’m collecting kisses. Would you like to donate?” Another night it was “*a nerf dart zips past your ear accompanied by the sound of giggling*” Last night it happened to be “Your muse just found my muse in his bed, naked and willing. What happens?” which interestingly went mildly viral.

I never expect a certain kind of response to these. I’m taking my character and playing. For reasons I don’t entirely comprehend, last night’s game made killerinthesky and some of his friends angry. Apparently, both mun and muse were angry. The thread that descended from that post turned ugly very fast.

I put a lot of effort into not letting my responses as my muse and as a mun get crossed. Other muses can respond negatively to my muse and that is not a problem for me. I keep firmly in my mind that a muse and the mun are not the same. I also put effort into differentiating my muse from me the mun. Yes, Summer is modelled on me, very much so.

She is not me. Her attitudes toward some things are not mine. Her responses to some things are not mine.

I the mun am okay with someone’s muse calling my muse a slot. She is. I the mun am okay with someone, in ccharacter or out, observing that my muse misused the term ‘polyamorous’.

The impression I got from these posts, which I ‘stumbled’ across due to following killerinthesky (which he knew I was doing), is that he responded to my muse as a mun, and assumed that my muse’s actions represented my personal actions and thoughts.

If that’s the case, well … there’s not a whole lot I can do about it. It’s a mistaken assumption. Summer is, frankly, wrong. Her application of the term ‘polyamorous’ in that context is wrong. I personally happen to know the difference. I am polyamorous. I’m very lucky to be with someone who is not and still allows me to be so. Loves me for being so.

When I started that askbox game, I was by no means intending to play that Summer was actively trying to break up any in character established relationships. It was a game, the same as the crush meme or the kiss meme or the sex memes. I have to wonder, since I deliberately modelled my ask after the five words naked meme, why that one is okay but mine is apparently not.

When I come into an askbox in character, she is interacting with your muse in a timeline separate from her other timelines, until there is a reason to do differently (i.e. we have a thread with other muses as well). Unless I’m told differently (by the mun or on an info/about page), I assume your muse is the same. Maybe this is a mistake. I don’t know. It’s what I do.

Lastly, if you the mun have a problem with me or my muse, I encourage you to bring it to me directly. Tag me, I track my username as tag. Inbox me, it’s always open and anon is always on. I’m glad to discuss my social screwups, of which there are many, in public or in private so that I can improve as a person. I’m glad to discuss my muse with people, in public or private.

I’m very uncomfortable with high-school-style behind-my-back discussions about me. Eventually it amounts to slander or libel or both, and I deserve the opportunity to answer openly.

I’m just going to rant here for a moment.

thelastabomination:

Polyamorous; The state of having multiple sexually or romantically committed relationships at the same time, with the consent of all partners involved.

Nowhere does this say, that choosing this lifestyle gives you the right to try and interfere with a monogamous relationship. Throwing yourself at everything with a dick does not make you polyamorous, it makes you a slut. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Making a reference to this post now.

Not only does this claim insult multiple characters I know, including my own and every single one of his partners, but it also insults people I know – it insults everyone in a polyamorous relationship.

Polyamory consists of long-term, committed relationships, be it sexual or romantic. A bunch of flings? Jumping from bed to bed? That is not what polyamory is. Trying to sleep with married, monogamous men? That, my dears, is called being a fucking homewrecker. Do not, ever, use this lifestyle as an excuse to fuck anything that moves, or to justify attempting to ruin a marriage.

You’re insulting more people than you could ever imagine. And it’s disgusting.

I’ll deal with this tomorrow, when I’ve had time to think and not just react.

Your commentary is heard and acknowledged.

I think I’m gonna try to go to bed now. Something’s happened that … I need time to parse it. There’s … I don’t know how I feel, right now. I’m hurting, but I think I’m overreacting.